so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
