dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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