He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
