i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
