i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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