please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
