This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
