I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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