Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
