I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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