can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
