please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
