I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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