Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
