She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
