But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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