Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
