We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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