woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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