i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
