How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
