guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
operation harelip BJ is a go
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
