I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
