Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Sorry about my life...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
