I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
