six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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