I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
