mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
