Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
