matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i already hear my dad disowning me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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