im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
