M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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