After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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