I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
