I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
