I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
