how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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