I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
