You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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