I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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