I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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