I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
