you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
