So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
