Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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