They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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