I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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