Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
