you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
