I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You can't just leave with hair like that
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
